Of Attachments, and Distances

on Friday, October 30, 2009

A tear in her eye,

A knot in my heart,
A smile on her face,
And good times start....

Romanticizing females...yes...thats exactly what the new season has brought for me. I dunno how long back was it when I discovered, that it is so easy to crazily fall in love with girls, despite having an "I am straight" tag firmly affixed on your persona.

When I walk down the San Jose Marg every morning to reach my college, the cold winds that prick my cheeks, almost as well make me smile, for it is at that time that I discover I so much covet the very warm hugs my girl friends gift to me every time I meet them. Yeah! "Girlfriends"- It is perhaps the most common term that you'll come across in JMC premises, when two females wanna assert the level of closeness and attachment that exists betwixt them. A very recent phenomenon is the emergence of 'boyfriends' in our all girls campus. Bored with the feminine omnipresence, the relative tomboyish girls take the onus on themselves to provide a break from the boredom.

Blessed am I, for I can boast of two really close girlfriends, one of whom has recently converted into a boyfriend, who make me look forward to college with more eagerness than ever, every single day. A single flash of their smiles in my head, and I sense all my pains vanishing. Their "I Love You's", even though spared on me in profusion, still cherished every single time they are uttered. The characteristic gleam in their eyes, which totally enamours me. Their simple mannerisms, and down to earth demeanor, never allows them to get distanced from me. And finally, the warmth in their words, and gestures towards me, makes me forget all else, and repetitively fall in love with them.

Talking like a besotted lover? Well, I definitely am one.

This two girls whom I refer to, are veritably tagged as "College Sweethearts", and that is perhaps the only woe that stems in my life because of them. I am so crazy about these females, that there come points of time, when my life gets pivoted around them. No, not just points of time, now it has been consistent, that a primary objective for me has been to make sure that I am available for these girls everytime they need me, no matter what. And know what, I am proud of the success I have tasted in almost always being there. I remember having once told one of them, that is safer that I mark my presence at a safe distance in both of your lifes. The reason of it I'll try explaining here.

We all, all who can define their character, have a primary desire in life, something that they constantly keep moving towards, unaware, unconsciously. This is not a mere desire, but a way we expect our life to run in. For a long time, I have known what I covet each moment I live, something that I know I would never get tired of. It is closeness, attachment, human touch, emotions, expressions.......and every related term you can think of. "Friend" has perhaps been the most valuable word for me ever in life, and I have cherished, and respected, and loved all my friends, with all my heart. Anyone who's close to me has seen me just completely going nuts, may be to satiate a trivial desire of any of my friends. Really, it is crazy the amount I get attached, and love.

However, I must warn, it is perhaps the most dangerous way of living. I have experienced it. Living like this has made me undergo hurts that no one can account for, till the time i got mature, and decided for myself, for my own benefit, that I must alter myself a little. I knew I cant live without loving people who mean a lot to me. I had to teach myself to live without expectations of reciprocations. If today I am sane, and filled with equanimity, to a very large extent it is because of this moderation I made in myself some time back.

No offences, life has blessed me with the most amazing friends anyone can ask for, and my two girlfriends are the most conspicuous in my life as of now. So to say, I know for many years to come, I'll be giving in a lot to maintain my relationship with them, and will remember all the sweet and sour times I have spent with them. In fact, these are two people, who make me feel as if I am the luckiest girl in JMC, that I have both of them on my either side. As an afterthought, I would like you both to know, that I know I am really, really lucky, and you both really, really amazing, that the two of you make me bow down to you, and give you all I can. I can't say much. I know I can't. The easiest thing I can say is, "I LOVE YOU BOTH A HELL LOT"...and if I am typing it with my vision blurred due to the tiny droplets forming in my eyes...you know I can't be lying. I just love you both a lot....a lot.

"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."

(The two females I refer to are the famous Pallak, aka "JAGGA", and Akanksha, aka "KAPOOR". I intended on writing something vastly different, but I got senti, and this is what I could manage. I love you both)

Mysticism...felt by heart

on Saturday, October 10, 2009

Chhaap tilak sab chheeni re,
toh se naina milaike.....

These lines sound familiar, don't they. Today I had the privilege of a rendezvous with the mystic who wrote these lines- Amir Khusrau. A mureed (student) of Hazrat Nizam-ud-din Auliya, Khusrau was by far one of the greatest sufi mystics India has seen, who, detaching people from clutches of religion, led them to a path of spiritual enlightenment, by preaching the universal religion of love.

Offering prayers at his dargah, with the sound of his 'aaj rang de, more mehboobi ke rang rang de' playing in the backdrop, was nothing short of a mystifying experience. Transgressing my immediate surroundings, i was elevated to a level, where I could just lose myself to the sufism pervading the atmosphere. My mind was intoxicated, yet so clear, for it was cleansed of all clutter. It was in that clarity, that I could visualize my own soul, devoid of all negativity, subscribing to love, and existing as a pure, humble, and loving entity.

Since a very early age, I've been attracted to Sufi music. It took me a lot of time to hear enough of it, so that I gain my own understanding of this form of worship.

I have become you, and you me,
I am the body, you soul;
So that no one can say hereafter,
That you are are someone, and me someone else.

Witnessing your beloved in Lord, and losing yourself so much to Him that you become a part of Him, is the form of sufism I follow. Come to think of it, Meera was a sufi- she was wedded to her Lord, Krishna. Sufis live in a spirit of defiance, and self sacrifice. Sufism is perhaps the only religion, that does not coerce, in stead, respects all creations. The seeker's attitude towards God and the elimination (fana) of the self for merger (wisal) in God is the aim and object of this love. Love overrides all the other aims why God should be obeyed.

This feeling is divine, when you are in so much peace with yourself, that you close your eyes, and besides the many things happening in your life, the only thing that falls on the black canvas behind your eyelids is the face of your beloved. When you sit down in meditation, what you can feel most promiscously around you is the presence of your beloved. The flowing breeze carries a whiff of the scent of your beloved. His eyes are all that you need to witness your own soul in. Not caring for a thing in this world, having no materialistic desires, He is all you crave for, He is all you desire. Without you even realizing it, your mind, in perfect harmony with your heart, humbly bows down in obeisance to Him. When you are not you, but a small part of Him, who you hail, and praise and worship.

Too naive to probably understand the true depths, this is what i comprehend of something which is so divine. However, I do admit, even with this much understanding, I find myself totally blissful, when I lose myself to a Sufi prayer, or a Quwwali, and to my Lord.

The only difference I find with myself is that, whether I witness in Him my beloved, or in my beloved him...is entirely my heart's prerogative.

Khusrau nizam ke bal bal jaoon,
mohe suhagan kinhi,
toh se naina milaike.....

In Love....

on Sunday, October 4, 2009

At loss for words,
My heart aflutter,
My soul stirred up,
At you I look and marvel.

In Love....yes...this is easily what I can define myself as at present. In love...with what precisely, I don't know
. Lost, ambiguous, abstract...this is what the wonderful weather outside forces me to become....and I in total bliss, love the way I am at present. Gazing at my computer screen, with slightly dreamy eyes, sitting beside a giant window, breathing in the freshness carried by the breeze caressing my cheek, marveling at the almost bent tree still obeying nature's command by swaying happily, feeling enveloped by the gray blanket that spreads across sky..... All these things make me inwardly satisfied, infusing in me a respect for the harmonious way in which every single element of this earth is balanced. All this things infuse in me a mystical feeling of LOVE, which, despite being abstract, is rather strongly felt.

Let me search- What is it that I am in love with?

Nature? Yes! Definitely. Look around you. Who on this planet cannot be in love with nature? Her charms, her easy ways of alluring you, and the enormous control she possesses over you...she is just worth submitting to. She is what I fear the most in life, for we have all seen what happens when she is wroth with her subjects. Still, i cant help a smile escaping my lips, as I witness this omnipotent deity, affecting my life in more ways than I can recognize.

A Person? Yes! In love in fact with 'persons', who've shaped me to become what I am today. People, who've stayed by me, and whom all I cherish most fondly, and whose memories i store most carefully in the innermost sanctum of my heart. There is, however, a special person, who in my eyes is elevated just a bit over everyone else. To define and introduce him, it'll take some effort...may be some other time.

An ideology? May be. Yes. An ideology establishes me as a separate entity, leading her life with dignity, yet connected to everything around her by invisible cables, of inexplicable strength.

A Philosophy? Hmmm... A philosophy that tell me that I can see myself in every element around me, and that all these elements around me are what eventually constitute me. Messed. It's good this way. It may be is the abstract aspect of this philosophy, that appeals so much to me.

LIFE? A big YES. Explaining this love-not my cuppa tea. This is the kind of love you can only feel when you experience it. Not that life has been all kind and nice to me. In fact, tomorrow I might experience something that for sometime makes me feel that living is a futile effort. However, come down and think of it. I live, I breathe, I exist....In all these I see a miracle. A miracle that reflects back into this world through a gleam in my own eyes.

Myself? May be not. That is something I expect others to do.

In love.........forever