Fearful, Hopeful

on Monday, June 13, 2011

There is only an extent till which you can fight, I often quote. Thereafter, even you are a staunch disbeliever in destiny, you cannot do much, but wait and watch as it plays its cards. I fought to the best of my abilities, and my fight ended yesterday. Good or bad, I can no longer influence the results. Regrets? They always remain. You always feel you could have done something more, something better once things are beyond your control. There remains some regret after every exam for not having studied that one extra hour actually spent watching tv, or talking on phone, or simply gazing into nothingness. I have no such regrets, except may be an abstract pain somewhere inside my heart which says that something more could have been done to ensure victory. What more? I have not the minutest of clues.

So, basically, I'm confused. Obfuscated, as I like to fancifully call my state. I am putting up a brave face, trying to chill, but in reality, I have never been this scared in life. Honestly, I have never felt so much is at stake. Yesterday's performance was based on two years of practice and preparation. The result will determine if I can progress to the next level or will have to repeat whatever I did in past two years. Till then, confusion and fear reign supreme.

And, what does not help me at all in this scenario is a basic lack of ability to pray. I don't know how to. I never have. I wish I did, for when there was nothing concrete I could do, may be I could while away time, praying. "It was fear which first created Gods in the world".I am fearful, but I can't locate an object to pray to. Blessed am I, that there have been so many who've put faith in me, who are praying for me, and who, rather selfishly, I am asking to pray for myself. I just hope I stand to justify all the love and astonishing support I have gotten in the past two years. I hope there does eventually come this day when I can rush to all my friends and sport the brightest of smiles which conveys just everything to them. If you're reading this, and have in any measure liked or loved me ever, spare a second or two of your praying time for me. As I said, I can't. And, for the first time not being able to is making me feel crippled.

Hoping the light spreads faster