I love being lonely,
Oh! Yes I do.
I drift within my own self,
But at times I lack a cue;
I love the gentle caresses,
Alighting on my face like dew,
'Tis my fingers on my cheeks,
I so wish it were you...

I love being lonely,
The thrill to exalt, and be 'me',
Still, what 'they' think, what 'they' feel,
Creates immeasurable anxiety.
Oh forget it! All I need is a mirror,
Have me to talk and see.
Silly, confused woman, 'tis your own image,
In which you seek company.

I love being lonely,
Wrapping around myself my arms.
I close my eyes, I feel complete,
I lend myself warmth and calm.
Yet a knot and two faces in my heart,
Whose hugs took me by storm,
Foist on me the realization,
Solitude haunts; does never charm.





Might be a bit messed up, but it is to assert that I love the presence of every single person in my life...and i CANNOT survive with even one of you turning away from me....Love you all...love you for giving me so much of love... forever indebted...

Sooti chhaan, rang mahal maa,
sooti na aayo re janjaad,
sapna re bairi, jhootho hi aayo re.
Dag dag mehlaan ootri,
gayi gayi samad-tadaav,
Kurzaan e mhaaro, bhanwar mila de re.

You see her in fields, you see her in mountains. You see her laboriously working her way through a soop to free grains from impurities, you see her pumping air out of her lungs into choolha so her her family is fed. You see her sowing the fields, you see her weaving cloth. You see her all around you- yet, the presence you don't appreciate!

The above quoted lines are from a folk rajasthani song, which i have been singing since perhaps i was eleven. The beauty of this song would fill me, the melody of it would escape my lips even before i knew it. In my head for the past many years, it took a long, long time when the actual beauty and worth of its lyrics dawned on me. Now this song wasn't confined to regional music competitions; now it had acquired a meaning- and a beautiful one that is. Now i had started comprehending a life which i knew would never touch me; but wouldn't stop fascinating me either.


Rajasthan has always been a place that has enamoured me- beckoning me with all its varied hues and vibrant cultures. More intriguing for me have been the native women of this land, and the lores and traditions skirting them. I associate them with a typical kind of appearance- long, bright, flowing ghagras; intricately woven cholis, with sunlight reflecting off the embedded mirrors; odhnis in variegated colors, swaying to the command of the flowing breeze; and heavy, (coveted) silver jewellery.

Spotting any of them on my way to Jaipur transports me into the world of my imaginations, centred around them and their lives. Most of these women are married at the age when we, the proud urban class, have still not got a hold of what it means to be a women. My aim here is not to express dissent to the phenomenon of child marriages- yes, they are rampant in Rajasthan- but in this article, I am trying to reflect on the bountiful feminism, leaving aside all rage and frustration for having been treated as inferiors. These womenfolk are very muh snug in the lives they lead, and have carved around themselves, with discontent not getting any place in their busy schedules.

It is apt to relate an anecdote here, that was told to us by Dr. Suman Sharma (Dept. of Pol. Sc. Moti Lal Nehru College). In an interior village, somewhere in India, a counselling group intiated a programme on family planning, that they intended to air through a locally operating channel, and were looking for a suitable time slot for the same. When they went out to survey, the menfolk were convenient with almost any slot. The problem occured when women were approached. Assumed to be easily bought, it is the women who were tough customers. Morning time- "No, no! we've to send our kids to school. Too much work." Later- "Husbands leave for work, have to lay their breakfast." Afternoon- "No! Have to clean house, make lunch, wash clothes, and carry lunch for our husbands in fields." The other hours during the day weren't much different. After much discussion and persuasions, only a half hour slot could be identified.....Oh! Our benevolent mothers and wives....

Anyway, so the song quoted at the beginning voices the sentiments of a married woman, who has been pining and praying for the return of her beloved for many years now. Nothing, absolutely nothing has lessened her love, devotion, and commitment towards her husband. Sitting in fields, lost in thought, she reflects on what it would be like when 'he' returns. She envies the other females on the common village well when she goes to fetch water, because they all chatter away about their husbands- the gifts and care and attention they recieve. When she cooks, she worries if her husband has eaten. At night she can't sleep. She tosses and turns at misses him, and wonders when will he be back.

What a contrast it is to our new age woman, for whom, sustaining a long distance relationship is like an unconquerable feet. Here we are talking of a woman, who is not even keeping in touch with her beloved, her only communication being an occassional letter, nothing more, that comes and makes her heart dance. When she gets frustrated, she turns to all elements of nature, searching for omens that night predict 'his' return. The innocent women in her is even prepared to bribe the Almighty with all she has, only to get her beloved back.

Sitting in the snug zones of our cozy, comfortable living rooms, we look at these women with contempt. We pity their lifestyles, we call them 'not-ambitious', we distance ourselves and our innate feminine nature from them. We think ourselves superior. We think we are sensible, for we make wiser choices in life. This, however, is not the case. These village women have sensibilities of their own, ambitions of their own. Being a good homemaker, a good wife, a good mother is what their ambitions and aspirations comprise of. We call their vistas constrained. If their sensibilities do not conform to ours, we have NO right to scorn at them. These are women, grounded, simple, and living lives much more virtuously than we ourselves ever can. Their biggest asset, in my view, is their 'simplicity'- their loving, caring, and giving nature. They don't demand for themselves. The just know how to make someone else's life better, even if it is by killing their own desires.

My song, that has sort of stringed this articles together, concludes with a couplet, which suffices to throw enough light on the love these women hold for their husbands deep within their hearts. Love, which is so giving that it doesn't for once consider that their husbands might be so lost in the better lives they lead in cities and towns where they work, that they might not even be thinking of the wives they've left back home....

"Kaaga sab tan khaaiyo, chun chun khaiyo maas,
Do naina mat khaaiyo, mohe piya milan ki aas."

(She pleads to the scavengers, that should she die waiting for him, feed on all except her eyes....her eyes still, just once want to behold his form in them)

I had been browsing through random images on google, when i stumbled upon this one. I dunno what is it in this pic that made me stop, and keep looking at it. It was just a matter of seconds before I realized that my eyes are moist. Guess I have been a bit senti for the past two days; this pic was a mere vent....

When I started this blog, i had started it, may be because i wanted to opulently display my writing skills....today I realize- I suck at writing! I don't say this because i am this overtly, irritatingly modest female, who is looking to devour more compliments by degrading her own self. NO! I have been through a number of blogs, written by my friends, who seriously intimidate me by the way they write- what they write, and how they write. I am nowhere close to justifying the tag 'blogger' which many of my friends have enforced on me.

Also, this blog was started with a different idea behind it. What it was, i don't exactly remember. However, today, i feel this blog is my platform for writing things, that most touch my heart, the moment i experience them (the 'perception' of my blog in my own mind is due to change a million more times before i die). In fact, what most touches my heart are people around me. Any, and everything they do, or say, makes me what i am at that moment.

This picture for me is what determines the ideal relationship between two friends- silhouetted against an overcast sky, sit two friends, laughing and enjoying the moment. For them, the fact that an imminent downpour is on its way is no cause of worry. In fact, they revel in planning an adventure against what could potentially be a torrential rain. This is exactly how i view my relationship with my friends. Happens, and happens again that my life is overcast, and an ominous grey sky portends a devastating storm. It is then that i visualize me and my friends, sitting down, and devising plans to counter the storm better. We don't confuse each other with hollow claims about the storm being avoidable, or the sky clearing in a matter of seconds. We know it by the decree of Providence- there are such troubles in life which are inevitable, they key lies in standing up bravely to them. And, of course, emerging as a stronger and better person when the worst is over.

Blessed am I, for i can claim i have such friends by my side, who help to accept my realities with a grace which i would otherwise not have managed for my self.

This picture...hmm....how do i express why it makes me cry. It makes me cry because it makes me aware of the presence of this really special friend in my life, who for the time being, has averted her gaze from my face. I know its temporary. I know she'll be back with the same smile, which quite literally is the sunshine in my life. At times i am made sad with the thought that i can never uniquely own her, because of the ultimate heart-throb of a million that she is, but then i console myself with the thought that none, not even her, can stop me from basking in the brightness that she spreads around herself. Its kind of silly, and kind of weird, and i am well aware of it. Still, i have no clue how to battle myself in moments like this, when i am virtually left alone, because the relationship between us is such that i can't approach anyone else to console me. I know, at times i am a horrible friend, but i am also aware of times when i am selflessly there for my friends- a thing on which i pride myself.

I know not in what words, or what gestures i explain the value she holds in my life. I know that even without saying, she knows exactly what is there on my mind, and in my heart. Yet, I can't blame her for giving me these few moments of pain. I love her irrevocably, and she is one of the four people around me, whom I consider my bulwark. Her absence leaves not just a crevice or a crack in that wall; it creates a void. A void which I have no idea how to fill.

Am sorry, i know not for what. Ridden with anxiety, am not good for anything. I dunno whom to talk to, so i resorted to this medium. I dunno when will she see it, but i hope she comes back soon enough. It's not a situation so grave as i have made it sound. In fact, people might murder me for my silliness, for the way i am taking the whole incident on my heart. But oblivion has never been a place where i could find my foothold, and as of now, i am totally unaware of what is happening.

I guess I am a hopeless case of dementia, and i know far too many people will agree to this.

I know you didn't want me to cry...but do you really think i can help it?

A perpetual source of frown on my ma’s face is my being nocturnal; and her inability, as of many others, to understand why I am one. I know why I am one, just that the reason became more apparent only while I was spending some reflective moments with myself last night....

Just last night, when I had almost nothing to do, I sauntered into the balcony adjoining my room. As I stood leaning against the railing, staring up at the endless dark, I realized, darkness had its own form and shape. Enticing, inviting, darkness is one phenomenon, unlike the rains, snow and much else, whose beauty is inexplicable, beyond any description. In fact, it is not in human capacity to understand this all pervading enigma- darkness.

Ever since I can remember, I have been in love with the few hours at night, which I get to spend with myself; sans any interruptions caused either by the constant nagging ma subjects me to, or by the variety of noises emanating from a variety of sources born out of scientific and technological advancements. Each day, I observe the subtle transformations the venerable sky undergoes, changing colors, from azure blue, to a calming grey, to the unfathomable black, and needlessly said, it is this black the serenades my mind, body and soul. The night time, is when I find most balance within myself; it is almost as if this new world, grey and faltering, invites ambiguity, and calls me to a place, where I have no identity, no pressures, and where nothing is clearly defined. I am given the power to paint whatever I want on the black canvass provided by Nature.

I pity those who see beauty only in light, who are averse to darkness, and look upon it as some sort of an evil. Stop a moment and think, eventually, it is only this darkness, which envelopes all of us. All that is deep, limitless and inscrutable in the universe is enveloped in darkness; darkness being the only thing constant throughout the ceaseless Universe. The unfathomable ocean is dark. So is the impenetrable forest. Dark, too, is that Supreme Person who is the source of all movement, life and beauty. And, beautifully stated in the words of V.S. Naravane, Krishna, whose adorable form flows out of Radha’s eyes and inundates the world –he, too, is dark like a cloud.


“O Darkness,
You are like a maiden,
Untouched and pure,
You are limitless,
You are incomparable.
Light is illusion,
You are real,
Under you I hide,
Here bliss I find.”

In some distant land,

A voice beckons.

A voice so pure,

A voice so tender,

Reflects good omens.

It flows towards me,

On a stream of air;

Carrying concern, carrying care;

Riding an invisible horse.

I feel I see it,

Behind my eyelids.

Filtering through the scene,

To fill my being,

With it’d soft murmurs;

I close my eyes,

It alights on my face,

Kisses my ears.

I smile.

I know it’s mine.

Doesn’t come from faraway.

Comes from within.

Comes from deep within.

Comes from Heart.

Gives lessons, speaks smart.

A pity, alas!

It is a voice,

We conveniently ignore,

Knowing we shouldn’t,

It’s humanity’s lore.

Our Hearts have become

Alien terrains to us;

Our brains rule,

Our feeling are shut!

We crave to conquer,

The world, not our soul;

In this conquest,

We become so hollow,

Our Heart’s voice,

We fail to follow.

A tear in her eye,
A knot in my heart,
A smile on her face,
And good times start....





Romanticizing females...yes...thats exactly what the new season has brought for me. I dunno how long back was it when I discovered, that it is so easy to crazily fall in love with girls, despite having an "I am straight" tag firmly affixed on your persona.

When I walk down the San Jose Marg every morning to reach my college, the cold winds that prick my cheeks, almost as well make me smile, for it is at that time that I discover I so much covet the very warm hugs my girl friends gift to me every time I meet them. Yeah! "Girlfriends"- It is perhaps the most common term that you'll come across in JMC premises, when two females wanna assert the level of closeness and attachment that exists betwixt them. A very recent phenomenon is the emergence of 'boyfriends' in our all girls campus. Bored with the feminine omnipresence, the relative tomboyish girls take the onus on themselves to provide a break from the boredom.

Blessed am I, for I can boast of two really close girlfriends, one of whom has recently converted into a boyfriend, who make me look forward to college with more eagerness than ever, every single day. A single flash of their smiles in my head, and I sense all my pains vanishing. Their "I Love You's", even though spared on me in profusion, still cherished every single time they are uttered. The characteristic gleam in their eyes, which totally enamours me. Their simple mannerisms, and down to earth demeanor, never allows them to get distanced from me. And finally, the warmth in their words, and gestures towards me, makes me forget all else, and repetitively fall in love with them.

Talking like a besotted lover? Well, I definitely am one.

This two girls whom I refer to, are veritably tagged as "College Sweethearts", and that is perhaps the only woe that stems in my life because of them. I am so crazy about these females, that there come points of time, when my life gets pivoted around them. No, not just points of time, now it has been consistent, that a primary objective for me has been to make sure that I am available for these girls everytime they need me, no matter what. And know what, I am proud of the success I have tasted in almost always being there. I remember having once told one of them, that is safer that I mark my presence at a safe distance in both of your lifes. The reason of it I'll try explaining here.

We all, all who can define their character, have a primary desire in life, something that they constantly keep moving towards, unaware, unconsciously. This is not a mere desire, but a way we expect our life to run in. For a long time, I have known what I covet each moment I live, something that I know I would never get tired of. It is closeness, attachment, human touch, emotions, expressions.......and every related term you can think of. "Friend" has perhaps been the most valuable word for me ever in life, and I have cherished, and respected, and loved all my friends, with all my heart. Anyone who's close to me has seen me just completely going nuts, may be to satiate a trivial desire of any of my friends. Really, it is crazy the amount I get attached, and love.

However, I must warn, it is perhaps the most dangerous way of living. I have experienced it. Living like this has made me undergo hurts that no one can account for, till the time i got mature, and decided for myself, for my own benefit, that I must alter myself a little. I knew I cant live without loving people who mean a lot to me. I had to teach myself to live without expectations of reciprocations. If today I am sane, and filled with equanimity, to a very large extent it is because of this moderation I made in myself some time back.

No offences, life has blessed me with the most amazing friends anyone can ask for, and my two girlfriends are the most conspicuous in my life as of now. So to say, I know for many years to come, I'll be giving in a lot to maintain my relationship with them, and will remember all the sweet and sour times I have spent with them. In fact, these are two people, who make me feel as if I am the luckiest girl in JMC, that I have both of them on my either side. As an afterthought, I would like you both to know, that I know I am really, really lucky, and you both really, really amazing, that the two of you make me bow down to you, and give you all I can. I can't say much. I know I can't. The easiest thing I can say is, "I LOVE YOU BOTH A HELL LOT"...and if I am typing it with my vision blurred due to the tiny droplets forming in my eyes...you know I can't be lying. I just love you both a lot....a lot.

"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."


(The two females I refer to are the famous Pallak, aka "JAGGA", and Akanksha, aka "KAPOOR". I intended on writing something vastly different, but I got senti, and this is what I could manage. I love you both)

Chhaap tilak sab chheeni re,
toh se naina milaike.....

These lines sound familiar, don't they. Today I had the privilege of a rendezvous with the mystic who wrote these lines- Amir Khusrau. A mureed (student) of Hazrat Nizam-ud-din Auliya, Khusrau was by far one of the greatest sufi mystics India has seen, who, detaching people from clutches of religion, led them to a path of spiritual enlightenment, by preaching the universal religion of love.

Offering prayers at his dargah, with the sound of his 'aaj rang de, more mehboobi ke rang rang de' playing in the backdrop, was nothing short of a mystifying experience. Transgressing my immediate surroundings, i was elevated to a level, where I could just lose myself to the sufism pervading the atmosphere. My mind was intoxicated, yet so clear, for it was cleansed of all clutter. It was in that clarity, that I could visualize my own soul, devoid of all negativity, subscribing to love, and existing as a pure, humble, and loving entity.

Since a very early age, I've been attracted to Sufi music. It took me a lot of time to hear enough of it, so that I gain my own understanding of this form of worship.

I have become you, and you me,
I am the body, you soul;
So that no one can say hereafter,
That you are are someone, and me someone else.

Witnessing your beloved in Lord, and losing yourself so much to Him that you become a part of Him, is the form of sufism I follow. Come to think of it, Meera was a sufi- she was wedded to her Lord, Krishna. Sufis live in a spirit of defiance, and self sacrifice. Sufism is perhaps the only religion, that does not coerce, in stead, respects all creations. The seeker's attitude towards God and the elimination (fana) of the self for merger (wisal) in God is the aim and object of this love. Love overrides all the other aims why God should be obeyed.

This feeling is divine, when you are in so much peace with yourself, that you close your eyes, and besides the many things happening in your life, the only thing that falls on the black canvas behind your eyelids is the face of your beloved. When you sit down in meditation, what you can feel most promiscously around you is the presence of your beloved. The flowing breeze carries a whiff of the scent of your beloved. His eyes are all that you need to witness your own soul in. Not caring for a thing in this world, having no materialistic desires, He is all you crave for, He is all you desire. Without you even realizing it, your mind, in perfect harmony with your heart, humbly bows down in obeisance to Him. When you are not you, but a small part of Him, who you hail, and praise and worship.

Too naive to probably understand the true depths, this is what i comprehend of something which is so divine. However, I do admit, even with this much understanding, I find myself totally blissful, when I lose myself to a Sufi prayer, or a Quwwali, and to my Lord.

The only difference I find with myself is that, whether I witness in Him my beloved, or in my beloved him...is entirely my heart's prerogative.

Khusrau nizam ke bal bal jaoon,
mohe suhagan kinhi,
toh se naina milaike.....

At loss for words,
My heart aflutter,
My soul stirred up,
At you I look and marvel.

In Love....yes...this is easily what I can define myself as at present. In love...with what precisely, I don't know. Lost, ambiguous, abstract...this is what the wonderful weather outside forces me to become....and I in total bliss, love the way I am at present. Gazing at my computer screen, with slightly dreamy eyes, sitting beside a giant window, breathing in the freshness carried by the breeze caressing my cheek, marveling at the almost bent tree still obeying nature's command by swaying happily, feeling enveloped by the gray blanket that spreads across sky..... All these things make me inwardly satisfied, infusing in me a respect for the harmonious way in which every single element of this earth is balanced. All this things infuse in me a mystical feeling of LOVE, which, despite being abstract, is rather strongly felt.

Let me search- What is it that I am in love with?

Nature? Yes! Definitely. Look around you. Who on this planet cannot be in love with nature? Her charms, her easy ways of alluring you, and the enormous control she possesses over you...she is just worth submitting to. She is what I fear the most in life, for we have all seen what happens when she is wroth with her subjects. Still, i cant help a smile escaping my lips, as I witness this omnipotent deity, affecting my life in more ways than I can recognize.

A Person? Yes! In love in fact with 'persons', who've shaped me to become what I am today. People, who've stayed by me, and whom all I cherish most fondly, and whose memories i store most carefully in the innermost sanctum of my heart. There is, however, a special person, who in my eyes is elevated just a bit over everyone else. To define and introduce him, it'll take some effort...may be some other time.

An ideology? May be. Yes. An ideology establishes me as a separate entity, leading her life with dignity, yet connected to everything around her by invisible cables, of inexplicable strength.

A Philosophy? Hmmm... A philosophy that tell me that I can see myself in every element around me, and that all these elements around me are what eventually constitute me. Messed. It's good this way. It may be is the abstract aspect of this philosophy, that appeals so much to me.

LIFE? A big YES. Explaining this love-not my cuppa tea. This is the kind of love you can only feel when you experience it. Not that life has been all kind and nice to me. In fact, tomorrow I might experience something that for sometime makes me feel that living is a futile effort. However, come down and think of it. I live, I breathe, I exist....In all these I see a miracle. A miracle that reflects back into this world through a gleam in my own eyes.

Myself? May be not. That is something I expect others to do.

In love.........forever